Motorpsycho Nitemare
The bike went in for its 24,000-mile service yesterday and the shop lent me an F800S for the day. Brand new, and a cute little thing – I called it a mini-moto but BMW prefers "entry level sportsbike". Having enquired, I'd been assured that it featured an accessory socket, and plugged myself in before setting off home. Before the first traffic lights it was clear that my heating circuits weren't working, but in the pitch dark and hammering rain I didn't feel like diagnostics. It turns out that the socket's current limited, while the heated gear has a duty cycle controller, demanding full power for short bursts. So no go. Dreamed I was an Eskimo.

It also hasn't got a top box. Loan bikes never do, and so I took my cargo net with me. Stashing my lunch-box, I lost grip on one of the hooks, and it sproinged up and hit me in the eye. Ouch.

I handed over the best part of a fortnight's wages for the service, new battery, new starter-motor, oils, gaskets and what-not, and headed for home on my own bike in warmth and comfort. From enjoying good progress along the Bere Regis by-pass, it suddenly lost power and started vibrating. After an hour's wait in a cold lay-by, the shop's service manager arrived with a van and my third bike of the day, an R850R. This one's socket might have worked, but it was too dark to transfer the connector and controller from my bike. So for a second day, I arrived home shivering.

Off to work on it this morning, two pairs of gloves and the grips on full chat, and that cargo net again. Could anything else go wrong? Yes it damn well could. When I arrived my lovely yellow Banana Guard (not to mention its contents) was missing, believed fallen off somewhere along the A31. That'll have to be replaced - we post-war kiddies can't live without our bananas, preferably unbruised.

Now I've heard from the shop that the RT has a burned-out exhaust valve – burned-out exhaust valve 2 of 2. Stand by for another massive bill, even though they'll kindly charge me only half the labour, and nothing for yesterday's rescue or the loaner. I love my Beemer, it's superbly comfortable and satisfying in every way, but not sure whether I can stand the cost (and the pain) of ownership. As I've said before, and hoped not to say again: none of my Yamahas ever broke down.